📢 On existentialism
A conversation between the two Arsenal fans inside me.
My Arsenal fandom has entered its existentialist era. The sports romantic in me finds itself clashing against the hard-nosed perspective of winning being the only thing that matters.
The journey Mikel Arteta and the boys have been on in recent seasons have seen these fault lines emerge. This is the happiest I’ve been as an Arsenal fan. But, this is also the most stressed I’ve been as an Arsenal fan. Here’s a glimpse into this inner monologue between these two sides.
Sports Romantic Shubi: The 2022-2023 season is easily my favourite season of supporting the club.
Hard-Nosed Shubi: The 2022-2023 season is easily my most traumatic season supporting the club.
SRS: C’mon man, how can you say that? Think back to the comeback-win over Fulham in August. It was the first time it hit me that we’re properly back. It was all so giddying. Playing Chelsea off the park at the Bridge, beating Liverpool at home - all of that just crystallised the feeling even more. And that United game in Jan, oh maaaan…
On an impulse, I got Nketiah 14 printed at the Armoury before the game. After the events that followed, I felt omnipotent. I left the Emirates that night convinced we’re going to win the league.
And Nelson’s winner against Bournemouth, of course. Before then, the last time I’d ripped my shirt off after an Arsenal goal was Danny Welbeck, Leicester, 2016.
HNS: Yeah, definitely some core memories there. But for me, they are all blemished by the Southampton game at home.
SRS: I knew you’d bring that up.
HNS: Why wouldn’t I, it’s the night on which I spawned. Theo Walcott scoring on his return, Southampton going 3-1 up, the comeback to make it 3-3, nearly nicking a win at the end and ultimately being hit by the crushing realisation that the title charge had ended. Against a team in the fucking relegation zone. At home.
SRS: You know, I watched the match at a pub in Leicester Square with my homie Sanskrita and some of her friends. Normally, I prefer watching crunch Arsenal games alone and 20 minutes into the game I remembered why. I was meeting her friends for the first time and they saw me in an immensely vulnerable state that evening. I screamed continuously at the television, swore incessantly and had multiple dramatic knee-falls. “What passion dude,” one of them remarked in a mix of awe and confusion, seeing me go through the motions.
HNS: Even you know Arsenal should have won the league that year. They effectively had an eight-point lead at the top of the table towards the end of April. I hate the word, but Football Twitter was right - they did bottle it.
SRS: Of course, they did. A top 4 finish was the aim at the start of the season. They massively exceeded expectations. The squad wasn’t built for a title challenge. It still was an incredible campaign, no matter how it ended.
HNS: Granted, Arsenal had no right to be in a title race. But once they were, they had to grab their chance.
SRS: You think I don’t know that? The comedown from that season was as intense as the high. I couldn’t even think about Arsenal that summer, I needed a clean break. Declan Rice’s arrival was what it took to break me out of my hibernation. By the time the new season began, I realised that I’ll be sharing the emotional real-estate of Arsenal fandom with you.
HNS: And we’ve been together ever since.
SRS: It blows my mind how different we are. After we beat City for the first time in forever last year, my euphoria knew no bounds. But, you seemed hell-bent on dragging me down from the clouds I was floating in.
HNS: I was happy too, it was important for us to know we can beat them. But, it came at the start of October. No point launching a title challenge if you can’t sustain it. Hadn’t you learnt from last season?
SRS: We did sustain it tho. The unbeaten run we went on since the turn of the year was unreal. We were such killers in that stretch - beating Liverpool, thrashing Chelsea, edging Spurs at the Lane.
HNS: It was the least we had to do to maintain pace with City. Especially after some of those defeats in winter.
SRS: I remember texting my Arsenal group chat on the final day of the season - Got no hopes but still kind of crazy to think that we could be champions in a few hours.
HNS: I knew the title was done after the loss to Villa at home.
SRS: Why are you unable to stay in the moment and just enjoy following what is the best team we’ve had in a generation?
HNS: I don’t care about staying in the present. Winning puts us down in history and transforms our future. The club, the players, Mikel, me, you - none of us will be the same if we ever do become champions.
SRS: The club and fanbase have already been transformed, can’t you see that? We believe again. We dream again. We have pride again. We’ve found our soul again.
HNS: All admirable, for sure. But I assure you, unless we win something big none of it will be permanent. This is an elite group of players, if they feel they can’t win here, they’ll leave. Mikel could too. And before you know it, we could again sink back into another banter era. Championship windows are fleeting. If you let them pass you by, there’s no saying when the next one will come. My biggest fear is that we’re going to end up being Spurs under Pochettino.
SRS: So for you, it’s all about the destination? The journey doesn’t matter at all?
HNS: Of course, the journey matters. But, I just think actually reaching our destination will make it infinitely more special. Maybe in a few years, I’ll look back on this period and savour some of these moments a bit more. But right now, they’re all just stepping stones to me.
SRS: So you don’t feel joy after an Arsenal win?
HNS: Nope, the dominant emotion is relief.
I can relate to every word you have written - and you have written so well as always. I have been a long suffering Arsenal fan (well before you knew Arsenal existed ;)). I crave for one opportunity to relive the invincibles year in this lifetime, it will come. Keep writing - I wait for it.